Step 1

Yesterday was a big day.

I have really been needing to sell my house and move. There are the obvious reasons:
I am over Stepford
I am over the 2+ hour round-trip commute... along with the $6 in tolls... and filling my truck up at $60 a pop every three days
All my friends live close to downtown or by my office

Then there is the reason inside my head: I hate this fucking house. Mere words cannot express how much I hate this fucking house. This house has too many bad memories, which block out the many, many, good ones. This house has bad ju ju for me.

The obvious solution: burn the fucker to the ground.
Problem with obvious solution: financially an unwise move
Problem #2 with obvious solution: illegal

I have needed to move for quite a while... but there's been inertia.

I started out about 2 1/2 months ago by buying boxes when hogbody666 moved to Denver (well, Conifer) - I was momentarily inspired. Then I threw out the equivalent of 10 trash cans-worth of stuff in one day. It felt so good.

Then that inertia hit again.

Over the weekend, I forced myself to begin my own personal 10-step program to move. Step 1: Deep cleaning of house. I had really really let it go over the last two years. So I went online and used a service-locator-service to find a cleaning company. I wanted to use the crazy lesbians that SHG uses, but they don't venture outside the loop: go figure. Got the bids for a "Deep Clean", talked to a few, selected one, made the appointment: noon yesterday. I started to have the same feeling of anticipation I would have when the cleaners came once a week about 5 years ago when my folks bought me 6 months service for my birthday: My house will be all clean and sparkly! No pet smells! Like magic!

Anyway, we had a monsoon so they were an hour late. It rained hard nearly the whole time they were here. Four came, and they took "the tour" and started off upstairs. I worked from home for nearly a day's worth of time in the AM, so now I could just putter and do about three hours' worth of work over the course of the next 10 hours.

Yes, they were here for 10 hours. It's a big house. It was a mess. I was tasked with moving furniture. Eww: most of it has not been moved in 18 months since I had the house painted on the inside and some repairs made (a very early step in the moving deal, but that fizzled quick b/c of, well, a lot of things). I was amazed at the dreck that had collected. But then came the oven/broiler...and behind the refrigerator... and the cabinets... none touched in nearly 5 years. Oh jeezuz, and the bathrooms after a year: yelch.

It was embarrassing, really. And sad, almost wrenching. I began to see just how withdrawn I had become, how much I no longer cared about stuff. Of course, everything was always surficially clean and tidy with an overprint of puppies/kitties. It mad me really pensive and sad, how beaten down I had become from a lot of things, how much I no longer cared. I remembered my house in Dallas, which I loved and miss, and how clean I kept it, even if the linoleum in the kitchen was raggedy, and the wallpaper in the bathrooms hideous. That house had its problems, but it was my first house and perfect for me, nearly a dream house. I was so lucky I found it and could afford it. All good memories from that three years of my life.

When they finished and I dolled out $492 + tips, I did not have that sparkly feeling. I was pensive and exhausted. It was 11 PM when they pulled out of the drive, I had been up since 5 AM, had not eaten in 12 hours and not had enough caffeine. Of course, it was dark and I could not see all the cleanness. I was just sad and tired. I crawled into my bed, which was made up like a hotel bed, and fell right asleep.

It was actually light when I woke up this morning - it amazing what a positive effect that has on me, not getting up when it is still dark. The house looks really nice, if a bit puppy-battered. And I feel better. Like something major has been accomplished. Like something important has happened. I remember looking at the full moon last night. For the last 4+ years, I have realized that whenever anything important happens, it's a full moon - and I am awake at whatever time is necessary to see it. I don't seek it out - I just happen to see it. And something important in my life does not happen on every full moon. So I feel good. I feel "even". Not sparkly-happy, but not pensive-sad about the past. Step 1 in the 10-step program is finished. It's a new day, and time to move on. It feels really good. Step 2 has been arranged, more on that after the weekend.

And my house smells lemon-bleach fresh. Now THAT'S something to feel sparkly about! Like magic!